Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
