Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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