make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
