now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
