Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Someone shit on the floor
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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