at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
