omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
