Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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