you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Congratulations! We have a period
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
