I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
