I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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