take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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