So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
