The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
