Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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