Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
