Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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