His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
