You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
