I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
