Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
