And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
