somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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