I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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