i don't like sucking hair
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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