Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
