Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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