There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
