Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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