Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
