you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
