I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
