Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
