..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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