the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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