Soap is not a condiment
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
