why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
