Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
