She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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