I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
