Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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