I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
