Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
