i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
