Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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