At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
How's work?
Spinning.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
