I'm so fucking centered right now
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
did i just pee glitter
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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