Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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