my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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