I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I believe in your delicious
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
