I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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