I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
