my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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