Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
