Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
