From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
