Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
